May 13, 2018
I was helping my brother put up a clothes line in the back yard and thought about how peaceful life here is. I was really enjoying doing projects with him. Everything is simple and quiet here. In so many ways it’s the opposite of who I am. I’m not sure what to make of it.
I don’t have people to process with though. That’s a huge adjustment. My thoughts are all jumbled up. I miss my old friends a lot. I hope they are well. Special people can't be replaced though. The place they have in a heart is unexchangeable.
Its interesting being in a new place and knowing that I can’t go back to doing relationships the way I always have. On the one hand I know how to make friends but on the other hand, I need to do it differently. I have to have completely different dynamics here.
Photography is going slow, but prospects are improving. It took me years to get something rolling in SD. Here things work by word of mouth though, so that will be different. I have a few editorial shoots lined up, simple lifestyle concepts - nothing crazy. Hopefuly by the end of the year I can get into rhythm here.
The more I come to grips with who I am the more Bowen's theory makes sense. Specifically, what he means by "emotional system". Even in grad school Bowen's emotional system was misrepresented as feelings. Everywhere Bowen is mentioned emotional reactivity is taught as reactivity based on feelings - for example lashing out in anger, or depression, but Bowen was clear that emotions are distinct from feelings in that they are not felt. Bowen gives the example of ants defending their colony. They do so without feelings, only instinct.
Bowen then must have been referring to relationship dynamics as distinct from but served by feelings and rationality. Why do we close up with loved ones? Why do we back away from those seeking us? Why do we do all of these little strange things? That is the heart of emotional reactivity. This is why it is so difficult to understand ourselves because our actions are not dictated by either rational logic or feelings (exactly how Bowen described the emotional system and emotional reactivity). I wish that deuch bag had described what to do with this.